[Let’s hope this isn’t the incoherent mess I think it is]
Dedicated to the last few hours of clarity.
I have always been an accomodating character. I always tried to see the good in people’s actions, forgiving their mistakes and stepping back rather than creating drama. But tonight it took one message for this mentality to fall apart.
This year at university is dedicated to me. No waiting for other people, putting myself before others and making myself mentally, academically and physically stronger/durable. It may come across as egocentric but I felt torn about where my life was heading for a while. It seems that I have constantly made decisions to please my parents, my friends and acquaintances. I was so caught up in what other people thought about my decisions (I always felt the need, and still do to an extent, for other people to affirm my own choices) that it took me to dark places, mainly because I had no way of knowing what people truly felt which made me think the worst. It took separation from people, spending time home alone for most of the summer, to escape this toxic thinking and really focus on my goals.
So this year I’ve started with a bang, I am a committee member for a society, started a new sport, play music, got a job and acually tried to figure out what I liked to learn, what I saw in my future career path. As I make the mostof an exciting part of my life I have met a lot of people who don’t like what they see. I am often met with the usual comments ‘aren’t you taking on a lot?’ ‘That’s too much’ ‘I couldn’t do that’ (the latter often comes with a tone that implies I shouldn’t either). But as I watch the dismay spread on their faces whilst I explain how hectic my week has been I realise I am often talking to people who would much rather spend their time watching everything pass them by. They can’t imagine doing this much because they already think they have got as much as they can from life already. That’s something I never want to think again.
With this realisation came the awareness that if people thought what I was doing was irresponsible, inconvenient and intimidating then they aren’t worth my time. I want to be around people who exude positivity, hope, strength and laughter. Time to cut away the dead weight and bring in some life.
I may have become more savage but I am far better off. I can finally say I don’t need other people to make me feel worthwhile, I am finding my worth and it’s substantial. With good friends who don’t want to chain you down but challenge you, with self-love and support you can totally achieve anything, everything. Nothing is out of reach…